December 12th, 2016 by admin Leave a Comment


It’s almost December…and that means Christmas! For me, Christmas has always been truly the most wonderful time of the year. Once Remembrance Day is over, I always put up my tree, get the Christmas carols playing and bask in the excitement and fun of the season. I’m like a kid at Christmas.
This year feels different. Our hearts are still heavy with grief and the thought of Christmas without Keith made me want to leave it all in the boxes until next year.
Maybe next year will be easier.
I see the spot on the couch where he’d sit each Christmas. Usually with anywhere from 3-5 grandkids snuggled up next to him. He’d open his gifts and do something goofy like put his toque on crooked. He loved to make the kids laugh. He’d sit and visit with whomever was next to him, and he’d soak it all in. FAMILY. All of us being together was what made him happiest.
This year, we have to do it without him…and it doesn’t feel right. It just feels really sad.
Yesterday, the boys and I decided we would put up the tree. Nolan’s girlfriend came over and she offered to help. It’s the first time since they’ve been born that the kids really seemed happy to help set up the tree. (They get their grinchy side from Lyle) I stepped back and let the three of them take over. They were laughing, Nolan got caught in the lights and almost pulled the whole tree over, they were talking about where different ornaments came from, how they should place them…and I just sat back and watched. I turned on the Christmas music, and they started to sing as they decorated. I just sat back and took it all in. I felt so proud of who my kids are, I felt grateful that Nolan’s girlfriend helped and made it fun, and I felt incredible gratitude for this life I have.
Then I realized, in that moment, I was like Keith. Sitting back, taking it all in, feeling such pride in my family…and my heart felt full!
These days, I keep looking for signs from him. Something to let me know he is watching from above. I think yesterday may have been a sign.
Christmas won’t be the same this year. There will be a huge hole. We will all feel it.
But as long as we are together, laughing, crying, and loving one another…it will be okay. As long as we find gratitude amidst our grief…it will be beautiful.


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